in reverse. That is something akin to what I saw tonight, from the outside looking in.

Have you ever gotten a little splinter of a thought caught in your brain? The kind of thought where you continuously wonder “will I ever be this way? cause if I can be this way just a little bit, I’ll be that much closer to being the person I want to be.” I have that thought all the time. Every day I add to the checklist in my head of things I can do, ways I can think, perspectives I can take to become a more whole person. The thing that accompanies this desire to better myself is a random set of images I sometimes get of the person I want to be. I had this really awesome moment of zen somewhere around 1:30 A.M. while I was making some more bean salad for the week; a moment where I could step outside of myself and look down at the scene in my apartment: just a young woman chopping some sage and garlic, preparing a simple recipe, listening to some quiet music (David Gray…thanks for the recomendation, Cabana Boy), and think, “there! that’s who I want to be.” Not always rushing around, depending on freezer dinners, only half joking about my inability to cook. I want to be someone who can go to the market and pick fresh food and bring it home and make something good, from memory, with my own hands.
So I realize bean salad is really not that big of a deal. But it caught my attention. For once I could see myself headed in the right direction in the simple act of cooking. It made me really happy to see that time and experience are kicking in, not just bouncing off and sticking to the faded canvas of what I used to be.

I even got all artsy and took a picture of a random sage leaf that fell into a cup of tea in my sink. It was a very Bohemian night.