CB and I had a busy day today and I’m pretty tired, but this topic has been swimming around in my head for a week or more. I’ve been putting it off and putting it off, but last night I got strangely slammed with some horrible parts of my past; parts that at this time I’m unwilling to talk about, but those who know me best can probably figure it out. It kept me up, literally, all night.

I’ve actually had a hard time lately because I’ve been rocked with guilt, shame and fear as well as some other emotions, but I’m unable to blog about it due to the personal nature of it. Too many people in my immediate company read this blog and while that is a wonderful thing, I find that sometimes it truly limits how deeply I can purge myself of the trapped hurts that sometimes seethe to the surface of my mind and heart.

But enough about that. Back to the music part. After being so shaken by my past the last week or so, I find myself thinking again and again about my younger brother Scooter. Ever since he has been able to work he has been more successful at finding lucrative employment and at making money than I have ever been. He has always been generous when I managed to get myself late with bills or in debt somehow. My problem has always been my ability to save money. As soon as I have any excess, I spend it. I rarely even spend it on myself. I take friends to dinner or buy someone a CD they’ve been wanting for a while. I surprise someone with a weekend outing or treating everyone to several rounds at the bar. This habit was very bad all through college.

Once I graduated I slowly got things under control but I was never able to earn enough to do more than break even. I was always working one or two jobs, busting my ass, but never coming out ahead of where I was. Ironically, once I quit smoking and finally got almost every debt paid off, I left the country to live with CB. Now that I have no major debt I also have no job and I am always very careful and considerate of my spending here. I actually try to do any shopping that’s for me personally (i.e. clothing, lotion, bath products, books) in US dollars that I have kept in an account in the United States.

But again I digress. Scooter has always helped me through these situations. He has also served as my “protector” and threatened violence on some ex boyfriends as well as some other men who treated me poorly in life. He lived with me the year that I hit the lowest low that I think I ever could have hit and lived. I think he took a lot of shit from other people that year for being my brother. I know for a fact that he tolerated a lot of shit from me. He did it in his usual silent way. I gave him every reason to despise and distrust me and I did it repeatedly over many months. I abused his trust and kept myself self righteously indignant. I once held a place of very high esteem in my brother’s eyes and that year I think it all came tumbling down. At some point I was able to get my life back together and apologize to him. Eventually he was able to accept my apology. And a while later we were able to reestablish the beginnings of the relationship we had once had when we were younger.

Now when Scooter and I do talk and when we spend some time together when I’m in Pittsburgh, I finally feel that we’ve moved past that horrible space in time where he could’ve chosen to turn his back on me forever. He would have been justified.

But Scooter isn’t like that. He is a gentle soul(despite his hot headedness) who would do anything for those he cares about the most. I admire him so very much for being savvy and shrewd, ingratiating and friendly and jovial. We are truly very different people but we have a bond that, though nearly severed, is now as strong as ever.

I heard this song last week while I did the dishes and was struck hard by how much it revived in me those feelings I had towards my brother during that awful breaking point in my life. How much I loved him for standing by me while hating him for not just letting me sink into oblivion. I wanted him to hate me, to give up and abandon me. I wanted everyone to do that so that I could finally feel justified in the hatred I had for myself. Many people gave me my wish, but when it came down to it my brother held on to whatever good feelings he could muster and struggled through and continued to love me. And I will always be greatful for that.

Hate Me by Blue October (the video is not available in this country apparently, so here is one with just the lyrics)