First of all, if you’re wondering why my posts are so spotty lately and the last one wasn’t even by me, well,  Worpress is being a super duper major elite class boogerface and isn’t loading my admin page.  I can view my blog and your comments just fine but when I try to post all I get is a blank screen.  I’ve had plenty to say, but nowhere really to say it.  I guess I could’ve posted on my Cre8buzz account, but half of my readers (hey that’s like 6 whole people) don’t even know what that is.  Besides, we pay for this site, dammit, I should be posting here.  So yeah, I had things to write today I guess, although the past week has been pretty dull.  CB has been working from home and I’ve been thinking of things to get me out of the house for a few hours at a time.  I finally got a good night’s sleep last night, but it was pill induced (calm down, it was half an atavan that I had left over from the flight home in April).  I’m really hoping this isn’t the start of a cycle of insomnia, those are just no fun, although better now then when I have class I guess.  Anyway, I decided to try to post a comment I just left on a blog whose owner suffered a miscarriage recently.  I’ve never had a miscarriage but I do know a bit about disenfranchised grief, so I can certainly sympathize, if not fully understand her feelings.  As I was writing the comment, I decided to post it here as well because I think it’s very well written and says something significant to how many people view their own lives.  And what do you know, Wordpress even decided to function today, so I guess that means the internet gods approve of my comment/post idea.

My mother’s first pregnancy was a miscarriage. I think she was into her 3rd month too so it was very hard for her. What she has told me though, is that, had they had that baby, she wouldn’t have gotten pregnant with me and she is very thankful for having me as her daughter.

Now, I know that might sound contrived and she told me that when I was fairly young,so maybe it was for my own security, but I apply that logic to much of my life.

Did I plan to be a burnt out, overworked daycare worker living below the poverty line in a single room apartment in a bad part of town, alone, single, childless? Hell no. And when I turned 25 two years ago and looked at my life I wanted to die. It was nothing like how I’d dreamed it would be.
But if I hadn’t been in that exact situation; if the circumstances guiding my choices and decisions had not occured in exactly the way they did, then I never would have met Hans. I never would have felt the love I feel from him and towards him. I never would’ve had the opportunity to move to Europe and learn a new language in the way that I am now.
If things had gone differently, I would have had a very different life but I’m happy with the people that love me and mean the most to me. I would never want to trade any of them for some doppelganger from an alternative reality.
This is my reality and it makes me happy and content to live in it, despite the painful scars from the decisions and actions that led me to where I am today.

So yeah, I don’t know if the blogger will read my comment…she gets like 40 comments a day, but maybe she will and maybe it will help.  Maybe it will help one of you out there who is looking at a piece of your life with a shade of regret.  I know that anytime I start getting lost in the “it wasn’t supposed to be this way” state of mind I quickly remind myself of all the things I would lack if it hadn’t turned out this way.