Where to draw the line on a blog.
That is something that I continually struggle with. Sometimes I want to let you all know about certain things because they affect me deeply and I want advice, help, understanding, opinions, interweb shoulders to cry on. Sometimes I feel so hurt or lost or confused and there is no one around to hear my voice. Certain people read this blog and I think I might be compromising myself if they were to read some of the things I want, no, things I need desperately to talk about out in the open.
I’ve been doing a lot of link clicking and extra blog reading (outside of the insane amount of blogs already on my reader-note to self: remind self about last note to self to update blogroll) lately and some issues have been coming to the forefront again and again. Pro choice, failure to conceive, miscarriages, inept mothers-to-be, women and men champing at the bit to be parents and struggling with infertility. All around me in real life people are getting engaged, getting married, having children. Every day it feels like I hear about another one of my sorority sisters (yes I was in a sorority in college…I haven’t paid alumni dues in quite sometimes, but I’m still a sister on some level dammit) getting engaged. My little is getting married in October and I’m not going to be there for it. One of my good friends/sisters got engaged last month. At least 3 of my pledge sisters have kids. I’d be lying if I said that these things don’t bother me.
I know what a lot of you are probably saying: “But you have a wonderful boyfriend and you live in Belgium, for crying out loud! You’ve always wanted to travel and now you’re getting your wish! This should be a dream come true.”
And on many levels it is, it really is something that I always wanted to do and that most people I know will never do. Do I feel as brave as people keep telling me I am? No, not at all. I feel lonely a lot and I miss my friends from home. I never kept in touch while I was there and I’m trying to contact several of them now because I need those people to lean on. But the shitty thing is, even if I do reestablish my friends in my life, they are all in another time zone. A 6 hour away time zone and pretty much inaccessible. And I feel far away from them.
I feel like, to them, I’m just some abstract idea of the girl they knew 5 years ago. I’m just a cold, digital font that flickers on their montior every now and again. And basically that’s what I am to most of you too. You’d think that would make it easier to open up some of my darker closets to let the skeletons breather a bit, but it doesn’t.
It makes it one of the hardest things in the world.
