Where to draw the line on a blog.
That is something that I continually struggle with. Sometimes I want to let you all know about certain things because they affect me deeply and I want advice, help, understanding, opinions, interweb shoulders to cry on. Sometimes I feel so hurt or lost or confused and there is no one around to hear my voice. Certain people read this blog and I think I might be compromising myself if they were to read some of the things I want, no, things I need desperately to talk about out in the open.
I’ve been doing a lot of link clicking and extra blog reading (outside of the insane amount of blogs already on my reader-note to self: remind self about last note to self to update blogroll) lately and some issues have been coming to the forefront again and again. Pro choice, failure to conceive, miscarriages, inept mothers-to-be, women and men champing at the bit to be parents and struggling with infertility. All around me in real life people are getting engaged, getting married, having children. Every day it feels like I hear about another one of my sorority sisters (yes I was in a sorority in college…I haven’t paid alumni dues in quite sometimes, but I’m still a sister on some level dammit) getting engaged. My little is getting married in October and I’m not going to be there for it. One of my good friends/sisters got engaged last month. At least 3 of my pledge sisters have kids. I’d be lying if I said that these things don’t bother me.
I know what a lot of you are probably saying: “But you have a wonderful boyfriend and you live in Belgium, for crying out loud! You’ve always wanted to travel and now you’re getting your wish! This should be a dream come true.”
And on many levels it is, it really is something that I always wanted to do and that most people I know will never do. Do I feel as brave as people keep telling me I am? No, not at all. I feel lonely a lot and I miss my friends from home. I never kept in touch while I was there and I’m trying to contact several of them now because I need those people to lean on. But the shitty thing is, even if I do reestablish my friends in my life, they are all in another time zone. A 6 hour away time zone and pretty much inaccessible. And I feel far away from them.
I feel like, to them, I’m just some abstract idea of the girl they knew 5 years ago. I’m just a cold, digital font that flickers on their montior every now and again. And basically that’s what I am to most of you too. You’d think that would make it easier to open up some of my darker closets to let the skeletons breather a bit, but it doesn’t.
It makes it one of the hardest things in the world.
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11:19 am
I don’t believe there is much I can say to make you feel any better. But you are flesh and blood to me. A real person with real dreams, feelings and emotions.
I’m a total head case but you are always welcome to vent or cry or whine to me if you need it no matter what the topic.
I know what you are going through. I moved 3000 miles away (yeah, I know not as far as Belgium) from everyone and everything I knew when I was in my 20’s. That homesickness and missing of your friends doesn’t really ever go away (sorry to tell you), but eventually it fades to a dull roar, that only rears its head every so often in a painful way. A tolerable way.
Big hug to you.
3:21 pm
I don’t think that there will be anything that anyone could say to make you feel better on the inside right now. It may put a smile on your face for the moment, but it won’t take away the pain (so please forgive me for not even trying). Just hang in there. Your time will definately come to have the marriage & kids, etc. Don’t rush it….I am a big believer in “everything happens for a reason”! (but I do understand what you mean)
4:14 pm
Everyday we have a choice. Some days I really do CHOOSE do be down…I’m not sure I know why I make that choice because the only thing it does for me is make me feel bad. Not a pity party, but lousy inside. For me, it feeds the depression thing. However, there are also many more days that I choose to be up. And it does make a difference. My heart just feels happier when I consciously make that choice. Sometimes I have to PUSH muself to make that choice because it is just easier not to…those who are your true friends will ALWAYS be with you spiritually…it doesn’t matter where you or they live and if you really need to be with one another, you find a way. Nurture the beautiful relationships that you are making with classmates…you may find a dear friend tucked in there somewhere.
It is not easy, but make your choices…try not to dwell on the past because it is exactly that, the past. You have a very interesting future ahead…you are alive and in one piece; you have a family in a foreign country that really does love you; you are making miracles (and I don’t mean the religious kind) in your own way.
You are real…allow yourself the honor and priviledge of that….
Love you….
5:15 pm
There’s no time clock for things to happen. Yes, there’s that biological clock thing, but you’ve got a good 14 years before you have to panic on that one.
That being said, it’s odd to see those around you doing things you may want, too.
Been there, done that. FWIW, I did far better becoming a mother at 34 than I would have at 24, and G-d forbid I would have been a wife at 20, rather than 30. Trust me, it would have been a disaster.
Huge hugs to you. It can be lonely sometimes. Write to folks you feel a connection with. Skype with friends. Skype is a truly wonderful thing. We really can make the world smaller through these cold machines.
5:26 pm
No advice. Just a hug. ((((hug))) It is always hard to know how naked to be on the blog…sometimes, for obvious reasons, it can just be dangerous.
And now for something good! I need your address there in la~la land so I can send you some junk food!
5:45 pm
I doubt this will help, but while I love my husband and children, if I could do it all over again, I would have stayed single and childless and joined the Peace Corps or something.
9:13 pm
I always like reading the comments and I don’t really know what to say without sounding cliché…
Never force things, that is one advice I can give you… and a very big hug to comfort you!
10:39 pm
Being in a new country can be challenging and lonely sometimes even when there isn’t a language barrier. Give yourself a break. The downside is that you have a lot of cultural adjustments to make, but the upside is that you’re having unique experiences that relatively few people get to have. Also it seems like you’ve got a few friends there who don’t think you’re abstract!
12:33 am
oooooh i really hate doing the “i’ve been there” thing, but really i have. let’s just pretend i didn’t *say* i have and move on.
this lingered in me UNTIL i developed a new circle, ie, i made friendships that were solid in belfast. oh, then i moved to hawaii. and i did the SAME thing again! until i created a new circle there. crap. now i miss them. i need to make a new circle. i got a semi-circle goin’ on, but it just ain’t the same. ..
4:03 am
You seem very real to me. I’m sorry you’re struggling right now.
6:24 am
I understand what you mean. And for what it’s worth, just like everyone else that has posted, you are real to me. (I actually told one of my buddies about you this weekend).
*hug* and *love*
7:55 am
Oh babe, hugs for you and you know what? I felt like that at first, but as I got to know my bloggy friends better they mean the world to me. And made me see just how superficial some of my real life friendships are. Sad but true. I know that I can come to my friends from all over the world and get more understanding and support than some that I can see and touch.
You are flesh and blood to me babe.
9:44 am
Oh sweetie, I know I’m kind of only just getting to know you, but you are very real and very talented. If it helps, I was one of the ones who got married at 24 and had my first child at 25 and sometimes I wish I’d lived a little bit more first. I don’t regret having my kids, I just sometimes think I’d have like to wait a bit. I’m 33 now and three of my best mates have kids but most of my others don’t yet. There’s time for all of this and I’m sure it will happen soon, but in the mean time don’t feel less of a person. There will be plenty of your married friends who are back home having gone nowhere who really admire what you’re doing and get a little wistful when they think of you and the fact that to them you are really living.
It must be hard not having that close friend where you are yet,but I’m sure it will come. Hug.