Luna plays fetch! I taught Rex to play fetch with my pony tail holders when he was young but Luna never took an interest in it until my parents sent these little tin foil balls. Now Luna is an all star champion fetcher….better than Rex ever was at that age. Here’s how we stay entertained on slow evenings (and no, we’re not so cruel as to throw it under the closet continuously…only a few times).
Unique points of light
Twinkling in the evening sky
Tears of sparkling joy
Blushing pink roses
Tender like the spring morning
Blooming in my heart
I promise I will email each of you who left me the heartening, thoughtful and loving comments on my last post. I plan on getting to it this weekend when I have more extended periods of down time. This week has been extremely hectic, what with finding out my score, registering, re-registering (grrrrr), rearranging my work schedule, attending my first class (it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, I understood about 70% of what the prof said, although if I try to take extra notes then I lose track of it and stay lost for a minute or two) and trying to do a little more to keep my spirits up (CB and I took some time out to have a coffee and walk through the city before having a modest spaghetti dinner in a nice restaurant). Now I have to go to CB’s work and get a proof that we paid the university, go back the rectoraat (3rd day in a row), show them I paid, get my enrollment certificate and my student ID card, and then head of for a fun 5 hours of having radiologists hang up on me (plus a 3 hour commute to and from).
Before I head off though, I wanted to show you something that truly cheered me up. Not to say that all your support didn’t make me feel loved. But this. This made me cry tears of joy. It made me smile. It gave me hope. I hope it does the same for you.
I’vebeen crying almost non stop since yesterday evening. I’m crying right now while I type this. I really feel like this is all too much to handle. I keep thinking about if this is the state I really ought to be in at 27 years of age. I have nothing to show for myself. I’ve made no mark on the world. I’m a drifting dreamer who can’t seem to put my feet down in one place and stick. I have a useless degree that took a year and half longer than it should have. I work part time at a lousy call center that requires no skill whatsoever. I’m horrified of starting university classes because I could barely understand the woman who refused to let me speak English today when I registered. And I didn’t even register correctly apparently because part time and full time student doesn’t mean the same thing here as it does in the US. So even though I’m not taking a full course load I was supposed to register as full time. CB even told me that but it didn’t seem to make sense when the woman was explaining it to me in Dutch.
On the way home I stood at the bus stop, watching some guy in day-glo galoshes hose down one of the “piss huts” they have for men to take a leak in next to the bus stop and I listened to the Grateful Dead sing Sugar Magnolia through my head phones and I felt less than useless. I feel learning disabled and stupid and helpless. I hate this.
I hate constantly feeling dumb. I hate constantly feeling like I have nothing to offer. I hate that when I want to try to speak in Dutch people switch to English but then on days like today when clarity was important, I was not allowed to communicate in English. I hate that I feel lost. Like I’m treading water but I don’t know which direction to swim, only that if I stop treading I’ll drown.
I want to give up so badly. I want to get a fucking degree without wondering if I even registered correctly. I want to feel comfortable in my environment rather than always somewhat confused and awkward. I hate crying myself to sleep and waking up with a headache every morning. I don’t even know how long it’s been since I’ve felt this much pure overpowering misery over something other than the death of a loved one.
I don’t know what to do or how to handle this anymore. I love my boyfriend to no end. I want us to be happy and work together as a team to make a good life together. But right now I feel like I’m just a sobbing hunk of lead tied around his neck. And now that we’re together it’s hard to always remember how hard it was to be apart for months at a time. Without him I don’t feel like a whole person. But being here makes me feel like a non-person.
I wish I knew the secret, not just for staying afloat, but for heading in the right direction.
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