I Really Don’t Know if I Can do This
I’vebeen crying almost non stop since yesterday evening. I’m crying right now while I type this. I really feel like this is all too much to handle. I keep thinking about if this is the state I really ought to be in at 27 years of age. I have nothing to show for myself. I’ve made no mark on the world. I’m a drifting dreamer who can’t seem to put my feet down in one place and stick. I have a useless degree that took a year and half longer than it should have. I work part time at a lousy call center that requires no skill whatsoever. I’m horrified of starting university classes because I could barely understand the woman who refused to let me speak English today when I registered. And I didn’t even register correctly apparently because part time and full time student doesn’t mean the same thing here as it does in the US. So even though I’m not taking a full course load I was supposed to register as full time. CB even told me that but it didn’t seem to make sense when the woman was explaining it to me in Dutch.
On the way home I stood at the bus stop, watching some guy in day-glo galoshes hose down one of the “piss huts” they have for men to take a leak in next to the bus stop and I listened to the Grateful Dead sing Sugar Magnolia through my head phones and I felt less than useless. I feel learning disabled and stupid and helpless. I hate this.
I hate constantly feeling dumb. I hate constantly feeling like I have nothing to offer. I hate that when I want to try to speak in Dutch people switch to English but then on days like today when clarity was important, I was not allowed to communicate in English. I hate that I feel lost. Like I’m treading water but I don’t know which direction to swim, only that if I stop treading I’ll drown.
I want to give up so badly. I want to get a fucking degree without wondering if I even registered correctly. I want to feel comfortable in my environment rather than always somewhat confused and awkward. I hate crying myself to sleep and waking up with a headache every morning. I don’t even know how long it’s been since I’ve felt this much pure overpowering misery over something other than the death of a loved one.
I don’t know what to do or how to handle this anymore. I love my boyfriend to no end. I want us to be happy and work together as a team to make a good life together. But right now I feel like I’m just a sobbing hunk of lead tied around his neck. And now that we’re together it’s hard to always remember how hard it was to be apart for months at a time. Without him I don’t feel like a whole person. But being here makes me feel like a non-person.
I wish I knew the secret, not just for staying afloat, but for heading in the right direction.
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Holy cow, no accomplishments by age 27? What did you expect to have done — solved the US economic crisis? You’re 27, and you’ve done something that tons of people will never have the balls to do in their entire life — give up all that is familiar for love. Yes, it’s a challenge, and extremely scary, but you did it. And then look how far you have come with your language in just over a year. I’m a complete stranger, but I read your blog because it’s inspiring and I’m standing on the edge of what you already are doing – living overseas – and I’m terrified and wondering how long I will last before I give in and want to come back home. Anyway, I hope you’re feeling better soon, but from an outside perspective, I’m pretty impressed.
I’m with Dallas…You decided to live your life and take a chance for love. You moved to the other side of the world and are mastering a new language and a new culture. You are accomplishing a lot and you should be as proud of you as we all are. That said, it also sounds as if you’ve got some depression going on (I know because I have walked that road). Is there a clinic or counselor that may help you out? Please take care of yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for all that you are accomplishing… and you really don’t want to come back to the US right now, our economy is in a shambles and we may have idiots for president and vice-president…
I find it so sad that you think you have no accomplishments. How can you say that and mean that?
“a useless degree”….no degree is ever useless even if you currently don’t use it or can’t use it. You’ve done the effort, you have learned, soaked in new knowledge, study attitude, perseverence (even if it took longer than the minimum time).
“a lousy job requiring no skills”…I would not want to underestimate call center jobs, although I don’t think I’d last very long in them. You could also have had the attitude being too good for such a job, not taking it and hanging in the sofa at home. At least you took action and when time is ripe you can quit it.
“you hate feeling dumb”….hey girl, it takes time to master a totally new language. You’ve just passed another module, those are fast paced learning modules. It takes time and time to master all nuances in a new language and being in an environement that doesn’t speak your mother tongue is so physically tiring. It really is. But think of it this way: you learn it each day a bit more, you are not unlearning any Dutch, what you’ve mastered is your own. Maybe you get confused sometimes but that’s because you discover a new nuance and you become aware of new accents/words, …. That doesn’t make you stupid! You can only learn new things.
You are in a relationship with a loving boyfriend. Some people can’t even manage to love another person in a balanced relationship. You even managed to go out of your comfort zone for that relationship.
Please girl, put your chin up. You have so many accomplishments for sure. Put your chin up and smile through your tears again. Your situation can surely be tough…but it can only get better. Embrace life, embrace your new classes, focus on all the things you love and enjoy!
Good advice from everyone else, and I have nothing to add. I can’t imagine how it feels to be in a country where I don’t speak the language, but I can imagine that I’d have really low times like you’re having too. I have had those times for different reasons. They pass. I hope you feel better soon!
Korie,
I don’t know you at all, and I must admit that I’m a ‘lurker’ on this page – I’m a non-blogging 27 year old with so much in common with you it sometimes shocks me…Living in Philadelphia, married to a Belgian who USED to go to school in Gent, I’m on the other side of the pond, often pining away for a life like yours. Really.
You’re doing a wonderful thing that makes you a really interesting person by being over there. A year or so more, and you’ll know two cultures and two languages inside and out, backwards and forwards- never underestimate the value in that. That’s an important addition to any culture you’re in. And, it’s not talked about enough, but there’s so much more value in being an interesting person than having a high-powered career.
I really acted out some of the things that you wish you could, and let me tell you- regrets lie everywhere, even on this side of those choices. A year after my husband and I met, I came back to the U.S. and waited for him to do the same (he did, thankfully). But I came back for that ‘useful’ degree that you’re talking about. Now I’m out of school, but I’m stuck in a career, working to the point of having little time for other things, and I can’t leave my job because, once you’re gone from the industry a couple of years, you can’t come back. This makes us less mobile, it makes us less adventuresome, it means I can’t just move back home or move back to Belgium on a whim, because I have to worry about my career, my 401K, (and now the economy), and my skill set staying a ‘hot commodity’ in an ever-changing profession. You’re in such a great place, really. You still get to go to school – something I loved (don’t you just love school?). You get to live spontaneously. You get to take the time to do things right and master the language of your significant other BEFORE you’re tied down to a career. (When will I do this? I can’t communicate with my parents-in-law, but as it is, I have few vacation days a year, and, after searching high and low for a tutor in Philly, I’m stuck hoping to grab an intense training session for one week out of the year.)
You’re also a beautiful, witty, and perfectly charming writer. Again, something I’ve always wanted to do but now don’t have much time for…and I’ve never been brave enough to start a blog, which is also incredibly admirable.
Please, don’t think of your life as a waste. I often find myself wishing I had done things in the sequence that you’re doing them. You’re young, and you’re doing things to better yourself so that you can better the world later.
All this having been said, I echo others in saying that depression is a serious, debilitating and dangerous thing, and if this is more than just a day of feeling low, please get the help and the support that you need.
I appreciate your blog and your voice, and you reach people and make their lives better every day with it.
SW.
I say move back to America
Make the man come to you girl!
Well, everyone pretty much covered it all. You are being way too hard on yourself, but I remember 27 like it was yesterday and it seems a common feeling at that age. So instead, I will just send you some positive vibes and hope that you can see yourself as others see you: worthy of everything.
Virtual hugs
Vix
Others have said so much, and I ditto most of it. I do understand the language thing after my time in Japan wanting people to let me speak it but also needed plenty of help in English, too. I’m 36, have an utterly useless degree, and I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up other than that I haven’t struck on it yet. Still, I’ve made some decisions and made some peace with all of it, and I hope that you can, too. I’m sorry you are feeling so down, and I’m sending good thoughts your way because I happen to think you are all kinds of awesome. Hang in there.
Oh honey **hug**
Everyone has already said everything I could hope to say.
I know how you feel – I know that telling you that doesn’t make it better too, but I’m keeping you in my thoughts.
I really don’t know what I can add to what others have so eloquently said. I know exactly where you are coming from, and although I don’t have the language barrier (although that is sometimes questionable), I know those feelings you are having all too well. I moced to the States when I was 25 and came over on the pretense of staying here 6 months and going back to Scotland. It never happened. I met my husband and stayed to “see what would happen.” I often wonder how much different life would be if I made different choices. What I would be doing, if I would have children, if I would be married at all…
And, that disconnection you have with your own homeland and the insecurity of living somewhere foreign. Some days I (still, after almost 9 yrs) wake up and wonder what the hell I am doing here.
Don’t doubt yourself and your abilities. You are an amazing woman and you have come much further than you think.
I wish I could give you a big cuddle.
i totally agree with leendaluu. no shock there.
you are probably going to head back to the states, right? well there seems to be a big chance of it.
what you do right now is this: do all the things that you’re going to be annoyed to have to say “i wish i’d done X while i was there.” when you move back.
ie, i wish i’d finished hula class in hawaii. it’s a little thing, but hey.
i don’t know. i’m trying to be helpful but i think you need a girlie night out with me, jo and leendaluu. (oh and anyone else up there i didn’t see and know.)(oh and anyone else up there who wants a night out with korie.)
Ahhh sweetie, that is so hard. These feelings are the worst aren’t they and can make everything seem so black. I loved reading the comments above. As everyone says, you are 27 and you’ve done this huge thing of moving from the comfortable and familiar to the new, exciting and sometimes downright blumming miserable and scary. You have come so far though, and there is so much good stuff ahead of you. I’m mad at the admissions woman for being so unfriendly and unhelpful. You won’t be the only ‘foreign’ student there and she should have been more helpful.
You definitely need a night out with Holl and Kee and me. Are you talking to the other half about all this? I’m sure he understands. Also, is it worth seeing your doctor to see if you need help with the blues? Or try taking Evening Primrose or St John’s Wort or something like that.
Seriously sweetie, look after you, you’re worth it and you will get through this. Hugs to you my friend and email if you need to chat more. x
Hey, don’t cry my sweet, sweet Korie. I can understand your struggling… I think I can feel your sadness but keep on trying dear Korie. Keep on ! You can do it!! In a few months you will ‘laugh’ with it… And don’t even think you are a non-person. Those who do love you, those who do know you know you ‘will survive’!
And yes… you are right: we must do more ‘our best’ to talk in Dutch with you. I promise I start with it the next time we see each other. I hope soon!
Big hug dear KOrie and… don’t cry.
I read Lucretia’s comment, and I can’t agree with her more.
Nothing more to add!
Sometimes I feel the same way, only I’m seven years older than you. I have a degree, but the jobs I could get with it don’t pay crap. I have nothing to show for myself but my kids, and that is something, but they aren’t me, if that makes sense. And hey, I totally consider living in another country doing something. (hello? me? scotland?)
I look at it this way when I’m feeling really down. I don’t know what I’m suppose to be doing, so that means it is still out there for me to do. Game isn’t over yet!
“Love yourself – accept yourself – forgive yourself – and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.” Leo F. Buscaglia
Without you, I wouldn’t have your wonderful comments on my blog or be able to come comment on yours. I’m sure you can think of ways you’re wonderful to other people in your life, just by being there.
For what it’s worth, I have total faith in you. You’re amazing for taking all this on, and CB loves you and your family loves you and you’re going to get there.
I’m just so sorry it feels so hard right now. Huge, huge hugs.
I know that you wrote this post months ago, and out of frustration. But I just wanted to stop and let you know that it actually gave me hope.
I’m leaving San Francisco, CA to do the prep year of dutch and study at Ghent University (ah love!). I’m flying out at the end of this year and I know there will be a moment where I will feel hopeless, ignorant, and frustrated.
Reading your post (and your subsequent posts) reminds me that I won’t be the first with these issues and I certainly won’t be the last. It helps me fully understand everything that I’m about to face. And, I don’t know how best to describe it, but it actually makes me hopeful for the future. It’s nice to see someone who has felt the way I know I will feel and has made it to the other side.