I Am Who I Am, Who I Was and Who I Will Be
It has taken me a few days to internalize, process and decide on how to address what happened on Thursday evening. I knew I wanted to talk to you about it but I really needed to think longer on what exactly I wanted to talk about.
I think I’ve already mentioned the MMORPG that I play and the fact that it was actually through this game that I met CB. Well, I’ve met several other people through it as well. Some of them I’ve met in person, others I will never meet, and still others I hope to meet some day soon (hopefully at our wedding). One of these friends is a gentleman living in Vienna. He and I have been friendly penpals for several years now and occasionally exchange emails. When he knows I’m feeling down he sends me websites with cute little puppies or kittens and he once even offered to help me pay off a huge bill that an ex-roommate left me with (although I didn’t except the help, I appreciated the offer). When he wanted a Lego set that he could only get in the US I said he could have it shipped to my parents and then I brought it back here and shipped it to him. In other words, we were friends and I genuinely am very fond of him.
I hadn’t heard from him in a few months so last week I e-mailed him and asked if he wanted an invitation to the Belgian wedding reception we’re having next summer. He responded to me on Thursday with a short, formal e-mail stating that he had read this post back in November and due to the personal choice I made 5 years ago to terminate a pregnancy, he decided that he is morally incapable of continuing a friendship with me. He wished me luck in the rest of my life and told me he never wants contact with me again.
Needless to say, I am gutted. I was absolutely shocked and truly hurt that one decision that I made a long time ago, before we were even acquainted, a decision driven by circumstances that he knows nothing about, was enough that he would decide to totally disassociate himself from me.
But another thing that I noticed; the thing that I felt should be the focus of this post, was that I felt absolutely no need to defend or explain my decision to him. A younger version of me might have desperately e-mailed him and tried to explain my reasoning for my choice. I might have begged him not to throw away all the kind, good things we had said and done for each other over the past several years over one incident that happened a long time ago. But on Thursday I had no inclination to do that.
I will not defend myself for a decision that I still believe was the right decision in my given circumstances. I do not feel guilt for what I did back then, nor do I feel like I should pander to people who condemn the action that I felt I had to take.
What I do feel is sadness. I feel the pain of constantly wondering “what if”. What if I had decided differently? If I was the mother of a 4 year old child now, how would that feel? What would he or she be like? I feel the overwhelming grief of knowing that there was a part of me that could have grown, could have been, but never did. I don’t believe I will ever be able to put that grief behind me entirely and perhaps that is the best consolation for anyone out there that wishes suffering on a woman who chooses to terminate a pergnancy. A part of me will eternally grieve for what I did.
But if I could go back to the moment in time when I made the decision to have an abortion, I would do it again. No doubts, no hesitations. I did what I felt was right, and what I still feel was right.
And that is all anyone needs to know.
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Oh my God Korie! How can anyone be so cruel as to terminate a friendship on the basis of something that happened so long ago. Who is he to judge you?
Why would anyone feel they would have to judge you anyhow? I’m so sorry this happens to you! Let’s face it, he does not deserve your friendship anymore!
Big hug,
…. I am glad that you are who you are … the past is the past and no one schould punish you! It is so cruel that someone who called him ‘a friend of yours’ throws that friendship away…
Big Hug xxx
Big hug!
Wow. I’m stunned. That was cruel. I’m sorry he was so hurtful to you. That’s not something you expect from someone you consider a friend.
Sending warm thoughts your way.
I’m sorry he was such an ass to you. Everyone has events in their background that they wish would have gone differently (I have a closetfull) under different circumstances and I imagine he does too. But he is a coward who would not have the courage to acknowledge that. Hugs
I’m so sorry and not even sure what to say. How really crappy and un-friend-like. People can have different views and still remain friends to a certain degree without having to be cruel about it. That just sucks.
He will miss you, K, before you miss him. You are his loss!
To live one’s life in accordance with such strict rules, and to spurn others because of it, is not Christianity, it is not humanity – You are blessed, original, funny and clever, K. Do not waste your time in thinking about what has been, think only of what is to come and the friends and great spirits you have around you. xxx
Ugh, that would hurt, but you were right for not trying to salvage a friendship with someone who would judge you so harshly. *hugs*
I’m glad that you’re clear enough on who you are that you feel comfortable not explaining yourself. That’s strength.
you have no idea what a big person you are! no matter what you do or have done, it is something you and only you live with…this person doesn’t deserve a friend like you if he judges so quickly and without facts. keep your chin up and don’t apologize to anyone for decisions that are made for your piece of mind, not even cb
I am sorry that you are hurting, but you need to remember that his actions are all about him, they have nothing to do with you.
If there is a silver lining, it’s the fact that you have had more time to think about your life, what matters to you and who deserves your time.
*hugs*
Lia
I don’t think I can say it any better then the comments before mine, I just wanted to let you know that I agree. It’s his loss, his problem, his issue. I’m just sorry his ignorance had to cause you any bit of sorrow.
see it’s posts like this that bring me and burrows together.
i think this is a harsh way to realize what people you do and do not need in your life.
i have always wondered what business is it of anyone else’s what i do with my person.
i got shouted at for using one too many cherry tomatoes on friday. i just looked at the person and said ‘okay.’ but i was thinking ‘a HA. you do not want me in your life. that’s fine.’
tomatoes-shouting and your issue? okay, they’re a bit different in the gravity scale. however, i think my point still stands.
perhaps it doesn’t. i’m not sure. i can’t really be sure of anything at this hour.
except that i think you’re fantastic (although i know that’s not what you’re after with this). and if we have learned anything from this post, i think it’s that other people’s opinions sometimes suck.
unless they are mine.
wow that is so judgmental! I may not agree with abortion, but I have no right to judge anyone else for making that decision. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who would end a friendship over such a thing. It’s none of his business.
My first reaction upon reading this and I’m just going on what I read, is that he is in love with you and is using this as an excuse. I’m sorry, if it sounds nuts. It just seems so extreme and out of nowhere.
If I am totally NOT reading this right I am sorry but I concur with all your commentators. Your life is your life Those who love us don’t ask for an apology for the way we lived, ESPECIALLY when they weren’t even around. I’m sorry he caused you so much pain but sadly, it’s time to move on. He’s got a sack full of problems that have nothing to do with you
You have FANTASTIC friends, Kor! Cherish those who cherish you!
Can’t believe that anyone so short sighted and cruel could ever have claimed being your friend.
Good riddance. Sorry, but that’s how I feel.
Hugs girl.
Sweetie it’s all been said. His loss, completely. Who is he to judge you? Big hugs my lovely, and is Gary the bloke from CSI?
Kisses.
What a hurtful thing to say, to you and to all those other women out there who have also had to make difficult decisions. Be glad that you live in a country that offers such services legally, cheaply, and with compassion and understanding. Here, the state even employs a non-medical woman whose sole purpose is to listen to you and to hold your hand through the process.
I too, get so easily hurt by others’ opinions of me. I really want to be liked by all. I am glad that you are feeling stronger and more confident these days.