Pieces of Me
Lately I’ve been feeling strange.
Misplaced, tentative, confused.
It’s a feeling that is vaguely familiar but rarely does it nag me to the degree that it has over the last several weeks. It’s a feeling of not being “me.” Or at least, not really knowing who “me” is.
I feel like a singer with no style, and author with no genre, a blogger with no unique voice.
When I read my posts I can find no consistant tone or style. When I think of who I am, I see a ghost standing in the shadows of the corners where people forget to dust. Or perhaps a chameleon, vaguely taking on the hue of whatever I’m touching at the moment, but then becoming dull and grey the instant I move on.
People love to classify themselves as the “smart” one or the “leader” or the “cute” one but when I try to think of one word, one overall word that describes me I draw a blank. And it’s the same with my writing. I can’t seem to find my voice.
I mean, I talk plenty on this blog, don’t get me wrong, but I find that how I say what I want to say is inconsistant. And a lot of the time I feel that way in life too. I stay out of the way as best I can, avoiding any sort of self definition via peer groups or social activities and the times when I am able to be myself, spread wide open like an oyster, soft and vulnerable and real are so fleeting that I can’t really remember how to summon that real me when I need or want it to come forward.
Sometimes I want to just spew everything out here onto my blog. I want to talk about sex and anger and pain. Occassionally I just want to explode and call the Belgian populace as a whole a stream of nasty names ( even though I don’t actually believe in the validity of sweeping generalizations) because sometimes I really need to do that.
I need to get down to the real and the nitty gritty and the ugly or pornographic bits and bobs that are floating around in my gut and my blood and my brain.
But then I do a mental head count of who exactly reads this blog.
And I slam that heavy metal door in my mind shut and swallow the key. All of the bright colors flaring underneath my skin subside and I return to my former shade of grey.
I’m not quite sure where all of this is leading. I don’t know if there is a solution to this issue or not. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to use this particular blog as the outlet that I sometimes wish it could be. But I do know that from this point on, I’m promising myself that I will truly think before each post a write. I promise to spend less time bitching about life and more time crafting the person who I am and who I want to be.
Maybe if I start paying more attention to how I say things to the world it’ll be easier for me to pry myself out of my oyster shell.
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I wish I had something to really say to this, but I’m at a loss in all honestly. I know exactly what you mean and its hard. If you figure it out, let me know, cause I’m trying too as well.
Hi Lilac….i just came over to ask if you were ok because it was very very quiet over here (this post was not on my bloglines reader yet).
I think part of your feeling can be explained by living abroad. That always gives you a feeling of not fitting in. Part of you wants to fit in, part of your really doesn’t want to fit in because you are different but then that bugs you again. I know I felt that way as an exchange student. I wanted to wear a totally different fashion as I didn’t like the fashion in high schools in Canada and then I felt so out of place at the same time. Trivial example I know but I’m sure you must feel that type of dilemma’s too.
As far your blog: why do you want to have consistency? That’s not a rule for blogs. I don’t attempt to have consistency on mine and I enjoy writing mindless blablabla once, write about tv programs and then seriously discuss politics and society up to adding a food recipe.
Maybe you think to much. You seem to be a thinker. That’s ok, but it can make life harder on you. Just experience, breathe, venture out, …. and you’ll find your own way. I trust that.
take care girl! glad to see a new post anyway
Lilacs I’m with Bubblewench, it’s really hard to air certain things on a blog sometimes as there is some stuff that just needs to be anonynous to feel safe. Why not just do things a little at a time and see how it feels?
And Goofball is right too. Your blog doesn’t have to be about any one thing. It’s ok to write about anything and everything. This is your blog and we come because we like you and what you have to say, but in the end it’s yours.
Hugs, and email if you need to chat. You know what I mean. xoxoxoxo
just keep doing what you are doing cause we love to hear from you! you make us feel…better or worse isn’t the point, just feeling, is
I’m with ya. I, too, need to get down to the real and the nitty gritty and the ugly or pornographic bits and bobs that are floating around in my gut and my blood and my brain.
But ya know, it’s hard.
Cheers!
i have invented an imaginary friend named phenelope. she ‘guest blogs’ for me, and oh my lord does she get bitchy. but thankfully no one knows it’s just me.
oh…crap.
okay don’t tell anyone.
i have four of your five questions done. i did them backwards, so i just now need to write the first one.
The beauty of your writing is that you DO write about anything and everything…and as your commenters said, that is what brings them back…your talented writing.
If you feel you need to dump…perhaps you can start a separate blog that you keep private…just so you can get it out if you need to do that…
I understand where you’re coming from. Sometimes I wish I could write about stuff that is totally inappropriate – people I spend time with in real life read my blog, so it’s not like I can really go off on a rant about how specific things they’ve done have hurt me, or what my sex life is like, etc. And then there are people like you, who I’ve never met but count as a friend, and I don’t want you knowing those things either.
There’s a funny balance that must be struck by blogging. And sometimes you can’t share the stuff you really need to share.
My God. You are one of the bravest people I know. For goodness sake,you live in a foreign country where you had to learn the language from scratch and you’re studying for a degree in the language you learned from scratch!!!
Follow your gut. If I’ve learned nothing in this life, it is that. Just listen to your gut and you will be okay.
Your Mom is right, I agree. I for one come here because I like to read what you write, and to see how you’re doing in this crazy country that is ours! But if you really feel the need to write about things that are private, make a private blog so you can decide who reads it and who doesn’t.
Hugs girl!
I’m glad you already found your award!
People who can sum themselves up in one word? Are boring and shallow.
It’s so much better to be multi-dimensional!
I’d have to think most of us feel this way about the blogging thing at certain points. As long as you keep writing, stay honest while being careful not to share something you don’t want out there but still just keep writing, you’ll enjoy your voice as much as your readers already do, even if it evolves and changes and becomes different things at different times. That’s what I’m hoping even for me.
I’ve had this sort of conversation with myself. I get what you’re saying. I know the feelings you’re talking about. I wear them out.
If it means anything, I think you’re all kinds of courageous and colorful, and I’d love to know you more.
Maybe you can just fly your freak flag now and then, and see how it goes.
I think you hit upon a real conundrum about blogging. How much can we “bare” when we know (or don’t know) who are readers are?
There’s a fascinating book called “The Courage to Write” by Ralph Keyes. He really suggests that to be a writer, you must be, need to be a selfish, ego-maniacal bastard (he writes from a male perspective). He writes some other good stuff, too, but the conundrum is there, thoughout, as well.