Lilac Colored Glasses

I got back from the exam about 3 hours ago and I’m feeling surprisingly okay about  it.

On the way there I was super stressed and totally unable to focus. All I could do was repeat the names of train and tram stops over and over in my head. And any time my mind cleared enough for me to think about anything besides my fear of transportation mishaps I was trying to compose my thoughts in Dutch for some practice; trying to identify words I didn’t know and would need to learn to sound like an intelligent adult in the future. Once I got off the train in Brussels Central Station I was able to easily maneuver my way through the tram system and found that Selor is actually right at the entry of a metro stop, so that was easy and a noticeable weight lifted once I walked through the doors and sat in the waiting room.

The test itself wasn’t half as bad as I feared. The essay topic was fairly easy, although I admit that I had to sort of stretch things to get to the minimum of 30 lines I was supposed to have. The topic was whether raising the price of cigarettes or seeking self help was the better method of quitting smoking. In retrospect the question is just so very Belgian in ways that are hard to explain other than the alternatives given revolve so much around the government and social welfare. But that aside, as an ex-smoker (two years next month!), I definitely had some things to say about the topic, although I did end up having to twist some of my ideas to fit the Dutch word bank I have in my head. The article, while it did have some words I didn’t know, was easy to read and understand and what I wasn’t sure on I got easily from context. During the first few months of my Dutch class I learned how to be quite adept at relying on contextual clues in language. So, since I totally understood the article, writing a summary wasn’t difficult at all and that only had to be 15 lines, which I went over.

Now, when I say these things weren’t difficult, I simply mean that I was able to read, comprehend, form my own ideas and put them down coherently on paper. I tried my best with spelling and grammar but I’m really pretty oblivious as to how well I did in those two very important aspects. I know I wrote everything on scratch paper, read it and tried to control my grammar, wrote it a second time in the test booklet and then tried to check grammar again and that’s really the best I could do I think.

So we’ll see what happens. Hopefully in a week or two I’ll get a letter from Selor telling me whether I failed and have to take it again next year or if I passed and have to go back for the oral exam, which I consider utterly more horrific than any written exam. Good times, gooood times.

In about 23 minutes I’ll be on my way to Brussels to take a language test given by Selor. It consists of reading and summarizing several texts in Dutch and writing an essay in Dutch as well. If I pass (70% or higher) then I get called back for an oral exam. If I pass that one then I am officially allowed to work for the city of Gent, which means a nice cushy, well paying, lots of holidays job, preferably in a city funded daycare.
I’m supposed to have the reading/writing level of a highschool graduate in order to pass. Considering most Flemish kids take 18 years to develop those sorts of language skills and I’ve been here less than 2 I will be totally un-shocked and un-upset if I fail.
The bummer is, I can’t take this test again for a whole year if I fail. Although I guess that gives me plenty of time to start writing a Dutch essay a day (ok, lies, how about 2/week).

But that’s not even the main thing freaking me out. The main thing is going to Brussels alone, taking the metro which I’ve only ever been on once and that was with CB, and navigating the city in general. I’m sure the sign-in will be in Dutch and while I understand most Dutch perfectly well, when I’m upset or anxious, it gets much harder and I need to have things repeated to me.
I’m not quite agorophobic but I do get extreme feelings of anxiety when leaving familiar surroundings. I like my little space and feeling self assured in it and today is one of the few days I’ve had in quite some time where I’ve had this feeling of nausea and spine tingling anxiousness and had to face it alone.

Although, on the bright side, I see actually getting to the exam as  much more stressful than the exam itself, so whatever happens once I arrive at the test site, even failing will feel like some sort of accomplishment.