Lilac Colored Glasses

I’m going to Pittsburgh for a week in October and I think I need it pretty badly. You’d think not working would be great for someone who’s worked since she was 16, sometimes in two or three jobs at a time, wouldn’t you?
Yeah, well it gets old after nearly 2 years of unemployment.
I’m feeling cooped up and agitated almost all the time but the energy just boils up and bubbles off in tidal waves of anger and flare ups of sour temper. It’s not going anywhere productive and I can’t seem to will myself to direct it anywhere.
I am looking for work and I’m in the process of enrolling in yet another Dutch class that’s aimed at helping me find work (as opposed to studying). I am trying to read some Dutch every day, although I don’t like it at all. First time in my life that I find books to be repellent, but there it is. I am watching more television in Dutch, including some shows without subtitles and we’re trying to speak in Dutch more together at home, although that tends to motivate me towards silence as opposed to making mistakes in every sentence longer than 5 words.

I want my hometown. I want Pittsburgh and automatic gear shifts and 105.9 the X and Sheetz and reruns of my favorite television shows. I want to watch Roseanne on Nick at Nite (do they still play that?) and wake up at 6 am with an actual destination in mind and a purpose for the day. I don’t want to struggle to understand what I’m hearing when I interact with people. I want English. I don’t want to be eternally “trying” as opposed to incrementally achieving. I want to be a close minded, culture centric American for a little while. I want to be seen as so liberal that Sarah Palin would burn me at the stake instead of a traditional, conservative American.
I want to blindly support Israel every now and then.
I want decent Mexican food and hibachi and diet cherry coke and 800 options in a 24/7 grocery store/pharmacy/gas station combo. But not Walmart.
I want a nice long draw on a Marlboro Light.

But most of all, I want some time away. Time to clear my head of the frustrations and challenges. Time to have a little space so I can purge all of the negativity from my spiritual veins. Time to dwell in my comfort zone so that I can better appreciate the man who’ll be waiting for me to come home.
Because the way I’ve been lately, I couldn’t blame him if he didn’t want me to come back at all.