Lilac Colored Glasses

I suppose moving to Belgium the way I did is indicatory of some degree of naiveté. I’ve always thought that we’re no different than the other international couples I’ve met here, but truth be told, we are, for one major reason: I took an intercontinental leap of faith based on what, at the time, was a relationship in it’s infancy.

Most people here knew their significant Belgian face to face for months or even years before they decided to expatriate.
I? I had known CB face to face for one week.

Like I said, leap of faith.

And there’s some irony in that. By the time I was 22 or so I was already pretty jaded about relationships. I was alone and had become, for the most part, very accepting of my situation. It’s not so much that I thought all men weren’t good, just that no man was good for me. I’d seen real, true love but had given up on ever having (and keeping) it myself. Following some rough and even traumatic experiences in college, I intentionally disconnected myself from most of my friends as well as my past. I kept little contact with anyone outside of my family and made no real new friends once I graduated. I occasionally e-mailed a hello to some friends from college, but I chose times that were inconvenient for me or for others in order to keep the interactions minimal. I figured I was much better off alone. No one to hurt, no one to hurt me and no pesky emotions to interfere with my judgment. Because I am a person who is very easily overcome by emotions of any kind and I know this about myself. Emotions turn me into a roiling pit of irrationality and erraticism and there are not many people in this world who are able or willing to interact with roiling pits of erratic irrationality.
Point being, I spent years building little walls and speed bumps and deterrents around me. I was aloof and disconnected from my emotions and above all, I trusted nothing and no one (besides my close family). I only confided in people who were far away and never actually interacted with my life. The people I came into contact with on a daily basis I kept at a distance. So making the move I did- taking CB’s love at face value and trusting that things would work…well, it was a throwback to the childhood me. The me that was gullible and believed outlandish stories as long as they were told to me by someone who I considered a friend. The me that was hurt so often by people who had no problem exploiting my willingness to trust people. The me that once believed that I could do whatever I wanted if I cared and tried hard enough. The me that believed that every work of fiction is secretly real, even just a little bit; that somewhere, hidden from the world we know, there are unicorns and fairies and Valkyries and magic.

It was that part of me that took off at a run down the unmapped road of a new relationship in a foreign country. And the road has been rocky, as you all well know. There are pebbles on some days and boulders on others, but I’m still on the path and in my heart I know it’s the right one. It has a few more detours than I’d like, but as long as I’m travelling it with CB it will always be the right one.

You’ll never find anyone more grateful for a glimmering spark of naiveté.

Related posts:

1. High on Life
2. Hearing Memories
3. Like a Cup of Coffee in a Roadside Diner at The End of The Night: Dark and Bitter
4. The Weekly Weigh-In
5. I Am Who I Am, Who I Was and Who I Will Be
6. Before the New Year
7. This is Personal
8. Music Monday – All I Really Want