Tonight on the way home from the grocery store (needed tofu and lettuce for the tofu, chickpea, tomato salad that will help me make up for my 4 day binge- Thanksgiving+menses=crazy carb eating spree) I stopped at Starbucks and got a tall decaf, sugar-free, skim gingerbread latte. Yes, that’s a mouthful, but as I left the store and got into my car I started reflecting on my drink choice and the larger implications thereof.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I have been pretty self destructive in the past and that included doing everything to excess. Driving the speed limit? Forget that man, I can go as fast as I want as long as I don’t get caught. Quit smoking? Quitters never win dude, if I’m gonna die eventually anyway, might as well keep doing what I like. Drink less? I’m in college, drinking is the national college sport. Eat healthy? Psh, I have no idea when I’ll have money for decent food again, so I’ll eat what I want. I mean, I had an excuse for everything. Every excess, every little bit of self destructive behavior had some insane reason behind it. I overdid caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, calories, you name it all in the guise of “fun” and living my youth to its fullest.

And that was complete and utter bullshit.

At the time, I admit, my judgment was pretty skewed, but deep down I knew I was simply finding socially acceptable ways of sabotaging my life. And that brings me back to tonight’s coffee. After my Diet Dew induced pee fest, I realized I am pretty much done with caffeine, except perhaps an occasional cappuccino (do they do decaf in Belgium?). And for the first time ever I ordered a decaf latte. I used to splurge and get the largest, sweetest, most caffeinated coffee drink I could find. Tonight I was totally satisfied by the smallest, sugarless, caffeineless latte available at Starbucks. It made me feel better (warm drinks really help cramps…it’s like an internal heating pad) which was why I got it in the first place. I’ve made a lot of changes in my life over the past two years; I rarely drink, I don’t intentionally stay up too late, I quit biting my nails, I make a conscious effort to drive the speed limit (still working on my seat belt buckling), I haven’t smoked a cigarette in over 4 months, and now I’m tackling my last bad habit, the eating healthy. Yes, I have slipped. But this time I keep trying. This Thanksgiving break was a setback. Tomorrow I’ll start again.

I’m 26 years old and tonight, while I was driving home, sipping a tall decaf, sugar-free, skim gingerbread latte, I rejoiced in the fact that I’ve finally grown up.