Lilac Colored Glasses

It’s funny sometimes, the closer we get to the wedding, when CB and I realize we don’t necessarily know about each other.

I don’t mean little factoids, but rather moods or behaviors. I also can tell you that these discoveries are fairly one sided (with a few exceptions, of course, like the first time I ever saw CB really drunk, which wasn’t until earlier this month).

For example, let me first introduce you to two of my friends, Blingy and Strong Mama (formerly referred to as my Dutch and Romanian colleagues):

Blingy

Strong Mama

Blingy and Strong Mama are probably my first real real friends here in Belgium (there’s also La Capitana and Chica, who I’m sure will end up in another post at some point). By real friends I mean that I met them on my own, we got along wonderfully from day one and we hang out outside of work.
I know those are things that sound simple, but for me, it’s actually a big thing to make friends. I have many acquaintances, but only a few real friends. Up until recently I met most people either directly through CB or through his prodding me to socialize. My coworkers from the call center in Antwerp were all very nice people but I never felt motivated to ever spend time with them outside of work and my two coworkers from Brussels were a. primarily French speaking and b. not people I could really relate to whatsoever.

So anyway, the three of us went out on Thursday afternoon, just to hang out a bit before I’d be gone for almost 2 weeks and we had a blast, like we usually do. It’s not that we did much…mostly walked around Gent in search of an open restaurant with a terrace because Strong Mama is pregnant and craving meat and fresh air a lot of the time. We eventually found a nice Turkish place with an open kitchen and terrace and fake palms trees.

Afterwards we went on a long ambling walk in search of the best gelato in Gent. I know where to find this amazing ice cream (a little place called Nonno on the Korte Dagsteeg), but not a short way to get there from where we were. On the way, CB called and said he was finished working so I asked him to come meet us. We all sat with our ice cream and chatted before I finally said goodbye to my friends who headed back the train station and CB and I came home.

Once we got back, CB looked at me strangely and asked me if I’d had much to drink at the Turkish place.
Because he’s never seen me acting like I was with Blingy and Strong Mama with the exception of when I was under the influence. Because I was acting carefree and silly and giggly. Because I was with my friends.

And he’s never actually seen that before.

It was only by chance that I glanced over the chipping railing and intot he dark greenish brown water of the canal in time to see the large silvery fish floating on its side on the surface. There was a large, ragged, circular wound rimmed with blood on the fish’s side, just below the dorsal fin. I stopped and looked, asking CB what kind of fish it was, my interest in biology overcoming any disgust. CB looked down and said it was a brasem, or bream, in english.

I continued looking for a minute, trying to remember the fish and the name, but then I noticed something that totally erased my analytical interest; his mouth was still moving as he bobbed along on the current. The poor thing was still alive.
“Probably got hit by a boat propellor,” CB said, matter of factly.
I shuddered as we turned away and continued walking, stating that things like that really made me consider vegetarianism.

Which is true, but there was something else niggling at me as well.

That wide-eyed, wounded animal, relentlessly pushing water over his gills, despite an obviously fatal injury.
Was he scared?
In pain?
In shock?
Simply operating on instinctual cerebellar autopilot as his consciousness ebbed away?

It just seemed so unfair. Not that the fish would die, of course, as that’s eventually what every living thing does at some point – but the suffering. That was the thing that struck me so hard. There’s a small part of me that crumples and folds slightly when I witness the helpless suffering of pretty much anything, really. Uprooted trees, trapped insects running out of air, injured animals, dying Parkinsons patients… obviously it takes longer for that crumpled part of me to recover in some cases than in others. But I still feel it every time. I avoid watching the news because of it and I’ve decided not to pursue certain careers because of it (nursing, veterinary sciences). I’m unhealthily empathetic.

And while I know there was probably no way that the boat that hit the bream could have known to avoid it, and afterwards there was probably no way to save it, I still wish there was something to be done. Something to even out the utter injustice of any creature having to suffer needlessly.

You know what I mean?

I started this blog three years ago today.

I really never thought it’d still be around as I tend to not really stick with most personal projects for very long, but here it is, still going strong. To celebrate I’m going to do something I’ve been planning on doing for a while now (no, not updating my blogroll…I suck, I know): post an updated 100 things about me list. It’s been about 2 and a half years since the last time I did this so some things about me have definitely changed, but since I am still essentially the same person, there will be some repeats on the updated list. Anyway, happy 3rd blogiversary to me and here we go…

62 Things About Me, (version 2.0, to be continued)

1. My favorite colors are still purple and green, with blue in close second

2. I love seafood, with the exception of lobster

3. My spiritual beliefs are a blend of atheist and buddhist

4. My cultural traditions and background are Jewish

5. I’m named after my grandfather, Kenneth and my great grandmother Mildred

6. I have traveled to Canada, Belize, Guatemala, Australia, New Zealand, Ireland, Belgium, Holland, France and Germany

7. I have one younger brother. He’s a sous chef and is under the delusion that he’s always right

8. I expatriated to Belgium in 2007

9. I speak Dutch

10. My fiancé and I do not own a car

11. I am currently employed as a barista (good thing I spent all those years getting a college education, right?)

12. I have a tattoo on my lower back

13. I have 3 more tattoos planned

14. I used to have 3 facial piercings, not counting my ears (1 in my tongue and 2 in my eyebrow)

15. I may get my eyebrow, nose or lip redone soon, depending on what my fiancé will tolerate

16. I can make really good chili and lasagne when I take the time to do it right

17. I want to have 3 children

18. I can force myself to eat every vegetable except Brussel sprouts

19. I have 2 cats, Rex and Luna

20. I used to have 2 ferrets, Scylla and Brutus

21. I can voluntarily dis and relocate the middle knuckle on my right hand

22. I’m ambidextrous with the exception of writing

23. I like teddy bears

24. I love Arthurian legend, Viking, Celtic, Greek and Roman mythology

25. I thought vampires were hot before they became trendy (and I still do)

26. My favorite gems/stones are lapis, sapphire, amber and emerald

27. My favorite flavor in coffee is caramel

28. I like Brusselse waffels, but not Luikse waffels

29. I’m pretty sure I’m a sexual synasthete (sorry dad, if you’re reading this)

30. I aspire to write curriculum for gifted pre-schoolers

31. I love the beach and the ocean

32. I used to dream of being a marine biologist

33. My 2 idols growing up were Eugenie Clark and Madeleine L’Engle

34. My favorite childrens’ books are Where the Red Fern Grows and a Wrinkle in Time

35. The book that most directly influenced me is Parable of the Sower

36. I can listen to the same song on repeat for hours if I really like it

37. Places I’ve never been but want to go in the U.S. are New Orleans, Boston, Seattle, San Francisco and Bangor

38. My not so secret vice? Soap stores. Especially Lush.

39. I love, love, LOVE to read

40. I sang in several choirs in highschool

41. I had one of the leads in my senior musical

42. I have a Bachelors degree in psychology with minors in english and anthropology

43. Ideally I want a masters in early education and a doctorate in curriculum and possibly another bachelors in women’s studies

44. I will never be rich

45. Every man I’ve ever dated has been born/baptised Catholic

46. I hate being cold

47. I have a difficult time identifying what’s actually bothering me when I get upset

48. I’m only patient when it comes to working with children

49. I smoked for 10 years, but quit when I was 26

50. Places I still want to see in Europe: London, Paris, Rome, Athens, Auschwitz (don’t really want to see this one, but feel obligated)

51. I like pretty much any non-cheese based soup

52. My favorite fruits are blackberries, raspberries, strawberries and cherries

53. Tragically, I’m allergic to cherries

54. I don’t like cantaloupe or honeydew

55. I’m allergic to pretty much every weed/tree/grass there is

56. I’m a die hard Steelers/Penguins fan

57. I gave up on the Pirates about 15 years ago

58. I don’t think I have a “prized possession”

59. Hypocrisy is my major pet peeve

60. I’m more than a bit socially inept, really, if I was a child in this day and age I might be tagged mild aspergers

61. I personally believe children are over-diagnosed in this day and age

62. I need routine to live productively

If you ask me when I’m awake, I’ll tell you that I’m totally unstressed.

I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me and two sweet cats who cuddle up to sleep with us on most nights. I have a job that seems relatively secure, pays a decent wage, and is not too much of a drag. I’m getting married in less than 4 months and I’m totally excited for it.

All the plans have basically been made. Now it’s just a matter of hammering out small details with the photographer and DJ. So really, I have no real reasons to be stressed.

Which is why I can’t really figure out why I have only slept through one night in the past two weeks.
And why my tri-yearly migraines have suddenly become almost a daily thing.
And why my stomach constantly aches or feels too full when I don’t usually find myself eating very much on a daily basis.

Why am I having nightmares so frequently? And why has the recurring nightmare of being attacked/bitten by large, hairy spiders suddenly been replaced by humiliating scenarios in which I am back in high school and basically told by my entire soccer team that I’m not good enough to play and that I’ll be the only person riding the bench the whole game?

I really love my wedding dress.
Why did seeing a picture of myself wearing it fill me with disgust?
I’ve lost almost 20 pounds since that picture was taken. Why do I still want to gag when I look at myself in the mirror?

I keep seeing old friends on Facebook and it really looks like most of them have gotten nothing but thinner and healthier, while I still have about 30 pounds to lose just to be in a normal weight range. I hate it. I feel like I’ll never ever ever look how I wish I looked.
I keep seeing old friends who have careers and post grad degrees and families of three or four, while I’m working as a barista in a train station with a useless bachelors and pretty much no hope of anything higher unless we move back to the US.
There are a few job opportunities in Gent to work with children right now that don’t require a language test, but I’m afraid to apply. I don’t want to apply. I’ve never been a job hopper. I prefer to settle in, get comfortable, feel useful. And even if I did apply and get the job, with the experiences I’ve had so far in Belgium with childcare, I don’t trust that I won’t be abused for my labor somehow.

And all in all, my “step up” from coffee maker would be to “glorified babysitter.”

Yes, I know that I, of all people, should not think of things that way. I know that childcare workers are important and that caring for a classroom of 20 two year old children is a lot harder and more involved than babysitting for one or two children. I know that most parents truly and sincerely appreciate the people that care for their child(ren) on a daily basis. I know I would play an important role in a little person’s life.

But the salary and the social status pretty much says it all: glorified babysitter.

A big part of me wants that masters, or even that doctorate; wants that ability to choose between hands on or academia; wants to take my visions of early childhood education to another level.

But another big part of me just wants the first part to shut up and be happy with what I have: the amazing boyfriend, the sweet cats, the stable job, a roof over my head.

Because really, I have no reason to be stressed.

This idea occurred to me at some point in the last three months or so, that in many employment situations, employers and employees both are guilty of regarding each other as something akin to, but not quite on the same level as human. To clarify, during a very brief interaction with the owner of the daycare chain I worked for, we both found out that the other wakes up every morning at 5 am. He seemed surprised that I woke up so early, as it probably never occurred to him that I have to get up that early to be able to make it to work on time in Brussels. I, on the other hand, was not surprised that he got up so early, as it just added to my impression that my boss is sort of the francophone Belgian version of American Psycho‘s Patrick Bateman. Of course he got up that early. That would give him plenty of time to go to the gym, hit the tanning bed, get a manicure, meticulously trim his hair and retrieve one of his spotless tailored suits from the cleaners before arriving at work.

So this got me to thinking that all job applications/interviews should include a section for people to list some of their endearing traits. You know, little things about themselves to remind their employer that that they are, indeed, human; as opposed to mindless, lifeless automatons that serve only to further your mission of lining your pockets as thickly as possible. And vice versa.
If I had known something small about my employer, like that he collects seashells or secretly wanted a puppy, perhaps that would have softened the “highly polished, manipulative bastard” vibe I got from him during most of our interactions (which weren’t that many). Perhaps not, since I’m pretty sure those vibes were basically who he was, but even highly polished manipulative bastards once dreamed of becoming an astronaut or harbors a secret love of gummy bears. Everyone has at least one endearing trait.

So I’ve decided to list some of mine and I invite you to do the same, either here in the comments, or maybe in your own blog.

1. I love the smell and feel of laundry right out of the dryer. Sometimes if no one else is around, I take a big armful out of the dryer and bury my face in it.

2. I love stuffed animals, especially teddy bears.

3. I can’t grow them and I’m usually allergic to them, but I really love flowers.

4. A tiny little part of me will always believe that fairytale and mythical creatures are real.